Finish Your Popsicles Before They Melt!
by plzdontfindme
Summary: Sougo accidentally plants Kagura's first kiss. Drama and hilarity ensue. [T for language and violence]
1. Chapter 1

**Summary:**

**Sougo accidentally gives Kagura her first kiss. Drama and hilarity ensue. **_**Inspired by some funny ass fan art.**_

**Gahhh, first FF ever. I've always wanted to try my hand at writing one but was never confident to do it. ****But as Host Gin says, "**_**Just do it!" **_**...Anyone? No? ****Hehe hee… Well I'm still nervous so please rate and review. Be brutally honest. ****I'd like to gauge if I should continue or not :D**

_**Italics for character thoughts and Sadaharu. Also, since I've edited this, it is important to mention that this story takes place 2 years from the canon story. (Yes, I know they are in Sazae-san format, but they're all older!) Kagura is 16, Shinpachi 18, Sougo 20, Gin... 2 years closer to being a MADAO.**_

**Also see footnotes at end of story!**

**DISCLAIMER: You should already know where this is going, but I don't ****own Gintama or the wonderful characters in it…all hail Sorachi-sensei!**

* * *

**[Finish Your Popsicles Before They Melt!]**

_BZZZZ…_

_ BZZZ…_

_ BZZZZ…_

"EHHH URUSAI! [1]" Kagura yelled at the bussing cicadas. "It's hot. Sooo hot. Ugh…"

"_Woof,_" her white inugami [2] responded.

"I'm sorry Sadaharu. I know you really wanted to play, but it's so hot and sweaty outside. I feel like I'm inside one of Gin-chan's boots, uhuh."

She rubbed the fur on his head affectionately and jumped down from his back. Scanning the park, she looked for a nice, shaded area to rest.

"Ah perfect!" she exclaimed, skipping towards a nearby bench. "I'm surprised no one has taken this spot. It's out of the sun and has a nice breeze uhuh! Kamisama must be watching out for us."

The vermillion haired girl plopped down on the bench with Sadaharu lounging off to the side. A few minutes later she began, "You know what would make this even better? Ice cream! I'll go get us some, ok? Gin-chan gave me some money for sukonbu [3] but I'd rather have something cold and sweet right now, uhuh."

Sadaharu barked in understanding, and with that Kagura began her way to a nearby convenience store.

Unfortunately, this was around the same time a certain flaxen-haired police officer was patrolling the area around the park.

xxx

He strolled the streets indifferent to his surroundings, popping a piece of bubblegum in between bored sighs. With iconic red mask in hand, Sougo made his way towards his favorite sleeping bench. It had the perfect combination of sun and shade and optimal shrubbery to hide him from a wandering mayo freak. Anyone who frequented the park regularly knew he could be found there four to five times a week, depending on his assigned patrol district. It was undoubtedly his spot.

"_Make a mental note to engrave my name on the bench… Nah maybe I'll cover it in spikes when I'm not using it…'"_

As Sougo was contemplating various ways to mark his territory, a furry white mass caught his attention. Looking harder he could see it was the Yorozuya dog - sleeping right next to _his_ bench.

He gripped the hilt of his katana, expecting to see a Chinese monster nearby. Though sensing no familiar threat, Sougo walked the perimeter of the park just to be sure.

"_What owner leaves a giant beast like this unattended?" _he asked, unsure of why the Yorozuya girl had such a monstrous pet in the first place. _"Fitting, I guess, but m__aybe she finally decided to abandon this mutt."_

"Look," the sadist began, "I don't care where you wallow around, just not by my bench. I can smell you from a mile away." But the dog was fast asleep.

"Oi! Did you hear me? You don't have to go back to that rat hole with Danna [4] but just get out of here before I bring you to the pound." He repeated. Sensing that this was going to be unnecessary trouble, Sougo sighed as he sat on the bench next to the inugami. He began by prodding at the dog's nose to no avail. He then lifted Sadaharu's ear and yelled half-heartedly, "Ooiii! Sa…Saladaru (_shit, what was its name?_) there's a hot poodle swimming by the lake!" Again met with silence, Sougo stood up and attempted to push the dog farther away. When this obviously failed, he started to poke and prod it harder with his sheathed sword.

Minutes later Kagura returned from the store humming an old B'z song and sucking on a sukonbu flavored popsicle.

As she was walking the path back to Sadaharu and the bench, Sougo jabbed the sleeping dog hard enough to finally wake him up and piss him off. With eyes still closed, Sadaharu growled and smacked the intruder with the strength of a thousand charging pit bulls. Okita was caught off guard and was sent flying in the same direction Kagura was coming from.

"Abunai! [4]" a nearby pedestrian exclaimed, interrupting Kagura's solo.

"Huh?" she asked while opening her eyes. Immediately she saw a dark figure flying directly towards her. Without time to react she shifted her parasol and dropped the ice cream as the human missile came crashing towards her. The next thing she knew, Kagura was smacked square in the face and the velocity of the throw flung them both back several yards before toppling to the floor. A large thud was heard throughout the area of the park and dirt from the ground clouded the sight from nearby pedestrians. When the dust settled and she regained consciousness moments later, Kagura found herself staring into sandy strands of hair hovering above her. Her body, sore from the impact, was pinned to the ground and her face stung like she had been punched square in the chin.

"Oi…What happened?" she murmured to herself as she lifted the boulder on top of her. When she pushed it above her torso, her vision finally steadied enough to recognize exactly what had hit her.

In her delicate yet strong hands was a sadistic bastard looking back at her with half-lidded eyes, and around his mouth—a thin ring of the popsicle juice she just ate.

* * *

_[1] urusai: Shut up!_

_[2] inugami: dog god (what Sadaharu is)_

_[3] sukonbu: pickled seaweed_

_[4] Danna: "boss," also what Sougo frequently calls Gin._

_[5] abunai: Look out!_

**A/N: There might be other things that I forgot to reference here but… oh well.**

**I apologize for the story not having any major action and romance… I definitely have it planned for future chapters (that's where the fun happens!). They will probably be rated T, and even M depending on how I feel ;)**

**Again, please R&amp;R, I would really appreciate it. **


	2. Chapter 2

**[ Salty Foods Taste Best When You're Happy! ]**

_In her delicate yet strong hands was a sadistic bastard looking back at her with half-lidded eyes, and around his mouth—a thin ring of the popsicle juice she just ate."_

* * *

Kagura lay there in utter disbelief. What the hell was this? Some sick dream? A practical joke? She shut her eyes and pleaded to herself to wake the fuck up. Her hopes were dashed when she heard a low, groggy moan with an all-too-familiar voice. Okita Sougo, prince of sadists and her ultimate annoyance, lay above her in a half-conscious state. Her eyes snapped open as she kicked the him off her with incredible force. "WHAT THE FUCK?!" she screamed as she crawled back. Flashes of the recent events ran through her head:

The refreshingly sour taste of her popsicle.

A loud scream.

A hard smack in the face.

Waking up.

Seeing _him._

With popsicle juice on his lips.

_HER _popsicle juice.

On _HIS _lips.

Kagura lay there in a catatonic state for what seemed like hours as her young mind began connecting all the dots.

xxx

Sougo regained consciousness for the second time this afternoon, nursing his head and mumbling incoherently. Great, he was bleeding. Glancing around, the sandy-haired teen found himself sprawled on the remnants of his favorite park bench. The structure was completely shattered, much like the broken concrete below him. Across the plaza he could see a familiar red spot. Was that the blood getting in his eyes? No, he focused in on the object and saw it - that damned China girl. Whatever happened had a 99% chance of being her fault.

"The hell was that for?" He questioned while staggering to his feet. When she didn't answer, he walked closer and asked again.

"You got dog shit in your ears, huh brat? I want to know why you threw me across the goddamn park!" Seconds passed as he aggressively nudged her leg with the toe his boot. Kagura was sitting slouched and lifeless on the pale concrete.

"...et...ay...om…me…" Kagura murmured under her breath.

"What? Danna didn't even teach you how to use words?" Sougo inquired, thankful for some kind of reaction.

"I SAID: GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME, YOU SON OF A BITCH!" yelled Kagura as she reached for her nearby parasol. Before Sougo could respond, she began blindly spraying bullets across the park plaza.

The policeman instinctively lunged back and unsheathed his katana. He effortlessly deflected each one of the bullets until he glanced up and caught a glimpse of the rampaging girl's beet red face. A scathing pang traveled across his right shoulder. Momentarily distracted, Sougo flinched as he was grazed by a stray bullet.

"Shit, " he grumbled while bracing the wound with his left hand and continuing to block the bullets with his right.

Seconds later the relentless onslaught of bullets ceased. Sougo relaxed from his fighting stance but was still cautious as he eyed the loose red cannon. He kept silent, in fear of facing another hail of umbrella shots.

Finally Kagura began climbing to her feet, her head slowly starting to rise. What Sougo saw next would be permanently engrained in his sadistic mind for as long as he lived. There stood China, her cheeks the same color as her cheongsam, sweat dripping from her brow, and her cerulean blue eyes pooling with water.

xxx

As the dust began to settle, Kagura fought back the tears welling up inside. She had never been one to cry, especially now in front of that heartless bastard.

"Give it b-back," she said. Her voice was quivering from a tornado of emotions: fear, anger, embarrassment, and disbelief.

Sougo was still trying to piece together his recent misfortunes and did not understand in the slightest what she meant.

"What?"

"T-that k-k-kiss... Give it back." She mumbled in a voice barely audible.

"Huh? I can't understand what you're saying, illegal alien, I only speak Japanese. Whatever China, this is getting weird, even for you."

"STOP MAKING ME REPEAT MYSELF, KONO YARO [1]! IT'S EMBARASSING!" Kagura yelled as her cheeks burned in embarrassment. "I _said_ give me back that…" she hesitated and clenched her eyes shut, forcing out the last part of her involuntary word vomit, "t-that kiss."

Silence.

Still tense from that most embarrassing request, she popped one eye open and looked at the sandy-haired sadist. He stood there staring in his usual deadpan manner, as if she had just asked him the time. Somewhat relaxed by his casual response (or lack thereof), Kagura loosened her body and faced Sougo.

Kagura laughed nervously, "What? Now _you_ forgot how to use your words?"

Her thoughts were spiraling out of control from his silence.

'_Why isn't he saying ANYTHING?! What the hell is this shit-head thinking?!_

_KUSO_[2]- _is he so disgusted that he's frozen in fear? W-wait a minute, why am I getting so self-conscious all of a sudden? Kagura, you're getting too out of character! It's that charming lack of feminism that makes you such a great heroine, yup! Keep it up and you'll be replaced by that ugly ass nekomimi_[3] _downstairs!' _ Kagura tried desperately to regain her irrational confidence.

'_But wait—Anego_[4] _explained how precious a maiden's first kiss is. I-it's a symbol of intimacy, maturity, and… a-affliction? Shit, that's not the word.' _Kagura stalled when she remembered that, masked by Otae's fancy vocabulary, was just another word for love.

'_Intimacy, maturity, and l-love…'_

Well god knows neither of them possesses all of those abilities, _especially _for each other.

"FUCK, THIS IS TURNING INTO SOME SHOUJO SHIT, AHUH!" she blurted out in frustration. Tired, dirty, and pissed as hell, Kagura just wanted to crawl back into her closet and sleep away her memories of today.

xxx

Meanwhile Sougo stirred from his staid position. It didn't take long for him to realize what was going on, but it was his response that took him a while to sort out. Throughout the years, he has mastered the art of trolling around with an languid expression. So why was his disguise suddenly faltering? Surely he had never seen the infamous Yorozuya yato cry before, shit, he didn't think it was possible. Were her tears washing away at his façade? Whatever the case, he needed to pull himself together. It was disturbing enough seeing her so vulnerable, having _him_ seem weak would surely get the show canceled.

Suddenly he smirked.

"What's wrong China? It's just a little kiss," he cooed. "Surely one of the universe's strongest wouldn't be affected by something so…insignificant." He was mercilessly goading her for a response; with each word his sadistic level rose a little more. "Well this is just embarrassing. I never knew you were this pathetic. _Had _I known, I would've gone easy on you during our fights."

Sougo glared at her mockingly, "Or what? Was it so good that you're now at a loss for words?"

"Pfftt… In your dreams, yup!" Kagura finally responded. "I was just recovering from a d-disease, yeah, disease! You're k-kiss probably transferred a mayo virus from hanging around Mayora all day."

"I've never heard of a mayo virus before, must be a recent outbreak huh? Just admit that you've fallen victim to my charm and this will be over. Face it China, I won."

"No, it really was a disease!" she pleaded. "It's called m-mayorrhea. What, you really don't know about it? You must be dumber than I thought." Her emotions began to cool once she got into the rhythm of their usual bickering.

"Trust me, _I'm_ not the dumb one in this situation." Sougo responded dryly, "and it's ok if you don't verbally admit defeat, because I know I won. The universe knows I won. I won, and you lost China." He gracefully rotated so that his back was towards the flustered girl.

Sougo then nonchalantly turned his head and licked his lips.

"Mmm… salty."

* * *

_[1] Kono yaro: You bastard!_

_[2] Kuso: Shit!_

_[3] Nekomimi: Cat-girl (in this case, Catherine)_

_[4] Anego: Respectful term for elder sister_

**My god, I am sorry for the delayed upload and the crappy chapter! Work has been stressful and has kept me so busy :( Usually the only times I can work on my stories are when my boss goes on his lunchbreak, haha. I really will try to write more and actually DEVELOP THE STORY. I know it seems like this story isn't really going anywhere but I have a plan for it in my head! So please, stick around for a little longer :)**

**Any comments or reviews are greatly appreciated, no matter how brutal and/or honest.**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: I'm not even going to apologize for the 1 year hiatus. I have no excuse. Burn me, or not. It's whatever.**

**Something crucial I stupidly forgot to mention is that Kagura is 16 in this fic, making everyone 2 years older: Shinpachi and Sougo (20) and Gin (late 20's still). Depending on how far I go with this story, I don't want it to be creepy, even though the age of consent in Japan is 13.**

**Thanks to everyone who has read this. As always, reviews are more than welcome!**

**Disclaimer: I don't even own the shorts I'm wearing, so I can't possibly own Gintama.**

* * *

**[Cabaret Bars Are Terrible During the Day!]**

"Mmm salty.." Sougo muttered, just loud enough for Kagura to hear. After licking his lips to taunt her, he stole one last glance of his victim and turned away. Before the poor girl had time to compose a coherent string of words, Sougo began making his way out of the park. In a matter of seconds, he turned a corner and was out of sight, leaving the poor Yato girl to brew in a mixture of confusion and embarrassment. Hands in his pockets and deadpan eyes geared directly in front of him, Sougo made his way back to the Shinsengumi compound, looking as cool and collected as when he had left this morning. He seemed calm considering what just happened… too calm really, but then again, he wasn't called the Prince of the Sadists for nothing.

Kagura, on the other hand, was an absolute wreck. She lost her unfinished popsicle, felt publicly humiliated by Okita Sougo, _and _unexpectedly had her first kiss-all in the span of a few minutes. She willed herself to her feet, grabbed her parasol, and sprinted back home with Sadaharu in tow, all while boiling on the inside from exasperation and confusion. By the time she arrived at Yorozuya Gin-Chan, the heat of her face had gone down considerably but her eyes were still bleary with unwelcome tears.

"Oh. Kagura-chan, welcome home," Shinpachi commented routinely. However his greeting was swiftly met by a violent slam of the front door as Kagura wordlessly dashed by both him and Gintoki on her way to the closeted bedroom. Both men blinked curiously in the direction of the Yato girl's makeshift quarters, and Shinpachi turned to his mentor, about to remark on Kagura's strange behavior when Gintoki beat him to the punch.

"Don't worry, Pachi-boy," Gin sighed, flipping through his Shonen Jump. "For women, everything's a race. From their words, to their thoughts, to the blood from their [beep]-everything's racing."

_That's not how it works. _Shinpachi thought, but too tired from cleaning to play his usual tsukkomi role, he just nodded silently and continued sipping his tea.

**[Two days later]**

On a blistering Friday afternoon, the Yorozuya trio was standing in front of the Orange Haiku Host Club [1] , a seedy host and cabaret bar in the middle of Kabukicho, while shamelessly hollering at passing strangers.

"Hey there buddy, it's too hot out here! Come inside for a cold beer and the company of some beautiful girls!" Gintoki called. Clad in a gaudy maroon suit and a horribly oversized mustache, Gin tugged at the collar of his shirt with a frustrated sigh.

"Poor Gin-san is getting too old for this shit," he whined. "Hasegawa better pay us extra for standing in this god-awful heat." But chances are, they wouldn't be paid much, if at all.

**[Earlier that day]**

_Taizo Hasegawa was down on all fours, head on the ground in the Yorozuya office. "Yorozuya-san, I need your help! Please!" He looked even more pitiful than his usual MADAO self. Mere seconds ago, Shinpachi had just opened the sliding door to see who was knocking when suddenly Hasegawa burst in, ignoring the fellow pair of glasses and sprinting into a diving grovel in the middle of the Sakata family's living room. _

"_Huuhh? What is it this time? And keep it down, Kagura is still sleeping and I ate her breakfast already." Gintoki replied, nonchalantly digging for gold and flicking it across the room._

"_Well, you know how I got a job working at the Orange Haiku Host Club? I've been doing really well and the manager is trusting me to watch the shop for him while he's on vacation."_

Ohhh no. Oh hell no. _Gin and Shinpachi could already see where this was heading. How many times had they tried to help him out, only for it to end in disaster? [2]_

"_But you see," Hasegawa continued, "a couple of girls called in sick… and what's more is that Hatsu invited me to lunch. You know how she rarely asks to see me. So what I'm asking is if you guys could fill in for me and the two girls, just for this afternoon-promise. I'll be back by four!"_

"_Sorr-" Gintoki began, only to be interrupted by a desperate and pleading Hasegawa._

"_I'LL PAY YOU!" _

_Immediately Gin's dead-fish eyes perked up at the slightest mention of money. Hasegawa was standing now, hands in the air and frenzied. "60-40!" he exclaimed. "We'll split the day's profits 60-40!"_

_Gin mulled it over for a bit, imagining the sweet money they would get and his plans for spending it. Unconsciously, his hands began twisting the motions of being at the pachinko parlor. _

"_OOOOIIII, YOU-" Shinpachi yelled in true Shinpachi fashion, "THIS IS WHY WE'RE ALWAYS BROKE!"_

"_Shh… don't sweat it Patsuan, I'm just practicing my magic tricks." _

"_THE ONLY MAGIC TRICK YOU CAN DO IS MAKING OUR MONEY DISAPPEAR!"_

_Gintoki, ignoring his spectacled friend, then turned to a confused Hasegawa. "Make it 80-20 and we have a deal."_

xxx

And here they were, all gussied up and sweating profusely under the sweltering Edo sun. Shinpachi, now referred to as Pachi, was dressed in a bright orange towel, generously lubed up, and carrying a glossy red pool floater. Fruitlessly he tried to peel strands of his braided wig off his oiled back.

"U-umm, Gin-san," Pachi started hesitantly, "WHY AM I DRESSED LIKE A FLASHBACK OF EPISODE 83!?"

"Because, Girl-Pachi, if it's good enough for the Shogun, it's good enough for everyone else. Also, we don't have the budget for new clothes to satisfy your cross-dressing fetishes. We'll take what we can get, and this is all Catherine was willing to share."

"Yeah," chimed in Kagura after her surrogate father, "it's your fault you got to granny's bar late." She gestured to the short blue kimono she wore, one of Tama's spare outfits, minus the apron. "Besides, Anego says a _real _maiden should always be dressed tastefully. Imagine if I had to wear your outfit instead."

Kagura flipped her chest-length ponytail over her shoulder and groped her sleeve for a half-eaten packet of sukonbu. After popping a strip in her mouth, she turned to the now beet-red Pachi, who was quickly dismissing a mental image of Kagura in his scantily-clad outfit.

"Oi, Gintoki!" came a familiar voice. Making his way across the street was a shmoozy looking Katsura Kotarou and, like tradition, his companion, Elizabeth, walked beside him. Elizabeth was dressed seductively-or as seductive as one can be in a duck-like alien costume, yellow hot pants and a violet A-line wig-while Katsura was dressed equally as showy, in a lustrous blue leisure suit and afro hair.

"Good afternoon, Katsura-san. What are you doing here?" Shinpachi inquired politely.

"Isn't it obvious, Shinpachi-dono?" There was an awkward pause as Katsura expected them to respond in witty repartee. "...I'm promoting Club Bebop-[3]"

"HEEEEYYYYY!" Yelled Gintoki and Pachi simultaneously, with matching flying kicks to Katsura's face. "THAT'S SUCH A LAME REFERENCE," retorted Shinpachi. "Yeah and just because we're both produced by Sunrise, doesn't mean they won't sue! The author is broke and still lives with his parents; she can't afford that!" cried Gintoki.

Kagura watched apathetically as the rest of her Yorozuya family continued to fight with Katsura and his pet. Punches flew, more curses were exchanged, and Kagura ducked to the left as Katsura's boot flew past her head and punctured a hole in the wall. Reflexively, she began to pick her nose with her pinky and tossed the treasure aside in perfect imitation of her precious Gin-chan. But soon after her mucus became airborne, it fell gingerly on the head of a certain Shinsengumi officer.

"What the hell are you doing?" the officer inquired sarcastically. It was _him. _

_Fuck_.

That voice, that distinct drawl just dripping in mockery and feigned indifference, Kagura knew it better than anyone-hell, she _hated _it more than anyone-and she didn't want to dignify his presence by acknowledging that he was there. Instead she just popped another sukonbu slice into her mouth and coolly watched the fight that was continuing to unfold on the street.

Or at least she pretended to.

Inwardly, Kagura was hyper-aware of the presence of Okita Sougo. Her mind was racing with nervousness and consternation over the fact that she had to see him so soon; she anticipated at least a week until their next encounter. Damn it, she hadn't even had time to sort out her feelings much less develop an attack plan! She spent the entirety of the past few days just trying to bring her heart rate down to normal levels. But, as is the way of the world, you make plans and life just laughs in your face.

"Oi, don't ignore a police officer," Sougo replied to her wall of silence, the annoyance in his tone quite evident. "More importantly, what are you guys wearing?" he asked with a quick flip of her skirt. "I didn't know the circus was in town. You should've let me know, I would've gotten Hijikata-san to join in the act." Still, no response from the Yato girl. "Anyways, we got a call about a public disturbance in the area and it doesn't surprise me that you guys are behind it."

"Hmph," was Kagura's well thought out response. _Brilliant. _She was at a loss on where to start with the personal plague that was Okita Sougo.

_How is he acting so calm?! Did he forgot about the whole k-kis-assault on my lips?! Holy crap, did he see my panties when he flipped my skirt? _

A blush was beginning to stain her cheeks, but she resigned herself to ignoring him until she could get her own thoughts sorted out.

"Excuse me, Okita-san," interrupted a random police officer, "I think we have a bigger case here. Look."

Sougo turned his head and saw Katsura Kotarou's unmistakeable, long, raven hair poorly peeking out of an ill-fitting wig. Immediately Sougo released one of his rare and short-lived bursts of energy as he began sprinting in the JOI leader's direction.

"Kaaaatssuuuurraaa! You're not getting away today," Sougo bellowed, temporarily forgetting the vermillion haired Yato. He charged into the fray of people while unhitching the katana from its sheathe.

Katsura, now aware of the police presence, yanked himself from Gintoki's headlock and pulled Elizabeth's hand to escape. The partners jumped on a conveniently placed stack of rice crates and lifted the hem of Elizabeth's dress, revealing an even more conveniently stashed jet pack. Before Sougo and the officer could reach them, Elizabeth strapped herself in, and after starting the engine, she took Katsura in her arms bridal-style, preparing them both for lift off.

"See you later, space cowboy." Katsura yelled, finally out of physical reach of the Shinsengumi forces.

"Ugh, damn it, not again…" groaned the nameless officer to his captain. Okita Sougo, faced with yet another failed attempt to capture the infamous Master Escape Kotarou, just sighed to himself and tucked his sword back into its sheathe beside him. He was used to this by now as all of his attempts to apprehend Katsura were done half-heartedly. All the yelling and bazookas were mainly for show, to fool the citizens of Edo into thinking he was so dedicated to his job, while simultaneously providing opportune moments to "accidentally kill Hijikata-san in the frenzy of battle."

But now that Katsura had escaped, Sougo's attentions shifted back to the young teen sitting idly nearby. He prodded Kagura's legs with the blunt end of his scabbard, but she continued to look past him.

"You know," he huffed, "it's very disrespectful to ignore your elders. Danna's done a pretty shit job in raising you with manners, not that I'm surprised." Kagura's eye began to twitch and her fists balled up; Sougo was glad to finally incite any kind of reaction from the girl.

"As much as I hate to admit it, maybe Hijikata-san was right all along and he really _is _just a good-for-nothing samur-"

_SLAM_

Immediately Sougo's world went dark. He could hear the faint cracking of wood and the pitter-patter of falling debris. When he tried to open his eyes and move his body, a soreness weighed on him, heightened only by dozens of little splinter pricks from all angles. Inhaling through a heavy dust cloud and cursing profusely, Sougo lifted himself off what was once part of the bar's wall. Everyone stared as he got back on his feet and faced a seething Kagura directly in front of him. Her shoulders bounced with laboured breaths, but her voice was as clear as day.

"Don't _ever _talk about Gin-chan like that, bastard! Sure, he has the sweet tooth of a child and the eyes of a dead fish, and, yeah, he plays with a doll of Ketsuno Ana sometimes, and-wait, what was I saying?"

Sougo's face immediately relaxed as Kagura retraced her argument; it looked like she wasn't as upset as he initially thought and the throw was yet another example of uncontrollable Yato strength.

"Oh yeah!" Kagura continued. "And so what if he still wears pink strawberry boxers?! Even with all that, he's _still _more of a man than you'll ever be!" By this point, Kagura and Sougo had forgotten about all the other people observing them, including the remaining Yorozuya members and random police officer. There was a pregnant pause as everyone anticipated Sougo's next move.

"Hmm… interesting. Be careful there, China, I might really take you up on that challenge." He remarked with a devious smirk. Unfortunately, any and all provocation was lost in Kagura's dense head.

"Huh? What challenge? I'm just trying to tell you that you're being a jerk."

Sougo blinked twice in disappointment. He should've expected that, and now he would have to spell it out for her. He stepped in Kagura's direction and leaned forward as he passed by. Now at ear-level, Sougo spoke softly, just loud enough for her to hear.

"_Obviously_, if you don't think I'm a real man, I'll just have to prove it to you." He winked slyly and continued walking back to the squad car parked a few stores down. The small crowd's eyes continued to follow him as Sougo climbed into the cruiser and started the engine.

"Hey~ Let's get going." He called to the unnamed police officer, his usual deadpan drawl was back.

"U-Um sir, shouldn't we arrest these two for starting a public fight?" The Shinsengumi officer asked while cocking a finger at the remaining Yorozuya members beside him.

"Nah, it's fine. They're not worth the trouble, and my weekly drama starts in 30 minutes." And with that, the officer scurried quickly back to the police car, not wanting to cross Captain Okita when it came to his soap operas. The remaining crowd dispersed as the Shinsengumi members drove away, leaving only a concerned Shinpachi and Gintoki to deal with the aftermath of that exchange. They turned hesitantly back to Kagura who was now shaking with aggression. Sweating bullets, Gintoki took careful steps in approaching her like he was about to defuse a bomb. He placed a sweaty hand on her shoulder and remarked with a cracking voice.

"Ha… Hahaha ha, t-that Soichiro-kun, always playing pranks. Look, Kagura, I don't know what he said to you, in fact, I don't want to know, but you can't just throw people through buildings like that. Gin-chan doesn't have the money to pay for that stuff."

Suddenly, Kagura spun around and buried her face in the Yorozuya boss' shirt.

"Gin-chan, I hate him. I hate him, I hate him, I hate him! That bastard only lives to piss me off, I'm sure of it!" She cried while pounding her fists into his chest. In a rare moment of fatherly instincts, Gin gently rubbed the top of her head while Shinpachi lay a brotherly hand on her shoulder.

"It's okay, Kagura-chan, it's probably just a phase. He won't be bothering you forever."

"Yeah," Gintoki half-joked, "and if he does, we can make his disappearance look like an accident."

Kagura was barely sniffling now and wiped her nose on the collar of Gin's dress shirt. With a small smile, she nodded at her precious family members while hooking her arms with theirs.

"Let's stop by the grocery on the way home, I'm running low on sukonbu." She commanded with new-found confidence. The two men only bowed their heads in agreement and let her lead them side-by-side to their next destination.

**[Later that day]**

A giddy Taizo Hasegawa was on his way to the bar with Hatsu in hand.

"Wait 'til you see the inside, it's a real high-class establishment!"

Turning the corner, Hasegawa expected to see his trusty friends outside, advertising and trying to quell a long line of patrons entering the club. Instead he was greeted with a giant hole in the front wall, and shards of wood littering both the inside and outside floor. A homeless man was making his way through the makeshift window, carrying a bottle of expensive sake in each hand. Hatsu gasped, turning to Hasegawa for an explanation.

After a long pause, he dropped to his knees.

"I need to stop asking those guys for help."

* * *

**Notes**:

_[1] Orange Haiku Host Club: A horrible, terrible reference to Ouran High School Host Club….imsosorry._

_[2] It seems whenever the Yorozuya trio get involved in Hasegawa's affairs, things go wrong. See ep. 7 for losing his job, ep. 26 for the convenience store, and ep. 120 for the sushi restaurant._

_[3] Club Bebop and Katsura/Elizabeth's dress: Another lame reference, this time to Cowboy Bebop. _

**A/N: Yeah, this didn't turn out at all like I had planned. I try and form an outline, but Okita effs it all up when I write the actual story. **

**So it may seem kind of OOC for Kagura to spend a lot of time sorting out her thoughts (she's definitely the kind of girl who would talk with just her fists), but I'd like to think she's so thrown off by that "encounter" with Okita she can't think straight. I'd also like to think she's a BIT more mature at 16, but only enough that it doesn't ruin her impulsive charm. **

**Lastly, I'm going to try and update this more often. Seriously. I hope.**


	4. Chapter 4

**[Drinking Games Always End In Disaster!]**

It had been a whole 4 days since their last incident at the Orange Haiku Host Club and Kagura was still unsure what to make of her various interactions with Okita Sougo and the nature of their relationship. Recently, every time she tried to snack on some sukonbu, her mind would unwittingly wander to thoughts of him badgering her, being thrown at her, _kissing her. _

"_UGH! Damn that stupid brat, ruining my ability to eat my favorite snack," _Kagura thought. "_He's messing up my mojo. I'm losing all the quirks that made me such a great heroine! First this stupid author forgets to include my accent after the first chapter and now I'm losing my trademark food?! I'm turning into a trainwreck." _She continued musing to herself.

"_Sure, all the laws of shoujo and television drama dictate that the person who steals a maiden's first kiss should take responsibility and marry her… BUT HAHA FUCK THAT, right?! I-I mean I've always been an unconventional heroine… Like I have the title of First-Shounen-Heroine-to-Puke-on-Screen!_ [1] _And I've always been too poor to be stereotypically girly so an accidental first kiss isn't _that _groundbreaking… It's actually grossing me out how worried I am. This all has to be some crazy misunderstanding, Gintama's too weird to appropriately handle any _real _romance anyways."_

Slowly building in confidence, Kagura ultimately convinced herself that it must have been her imagination thinking Sougo had a hidden agenda for her, and that Shinpachi was right - for once. It was probably just a coincidence that their paths constantly crossed and ended in disaster and she should just normally wait out this wave of Sougo-Syndrome god has thrown her way.

xxx

Meanwhile, Okita Sougo was polishing the blade of his katana on the porch of the Shinsengumi compound. He was calm, as usual, and not even remotely thrown off by his meeting with Kagura. Actually, it was easy for him to sort out his own feelings, as he's had a pretty good grasp of the situation for a while.

What Sougo felt for the Yato girl was not easy to describe, but it was very real and apparent. He was by no means "in love" with her or any bullshit like that. He couldn't even say that he "liked" her in the romantic sense of the word. After a bit of hard thought, Sougo determined that "interested" would be the best way to describe his feelings towards her. Kagura was certainly different from the other girls who came his way, not just physically - though Sougo would concede that the porcelain-skinned teen has matured rather… nicely - but by way of personality. Her brash and unapologetic behaviour was something that he could not find anywhere else. She was like a breath of fresh air, or a wild tiger in a swarm of butterflies; and Sougo, though a world-renowned sadist, always liked them with just a little moxy.

So he had decided that he would just let nature run its course. He would let his interest remain just that - an attraction. He wouldn't actively seek her out, or try and pursue her into a romantic relationship. That's just not the kind of guy he is. Like most everything in his life, he would approach their relationship with a front of indifference, and if the opportunity presented itself, he would indulge his interest in her - mostly by prodding and teasing to garner a reaction. And the "kiss" incident, though he'd be hesitant to call that a real kiss, was just another happenstance that piqued his interest. Kagura was on edge now and he found that amusing, so he would continue passively pursuing his new hobby to see just how far he could provoke her.

xxx

"Damn. DAMN IT ALL!" Gintoki yelled while pounding his calloused fists against his desk. "I.. I can't believe it. I can't believe this happened to me.. to _us_." He spun his chair around in a fit of grief and flung open the window behind him. The rain was unforgivable that day, blanketing the sky in a bitter gray and pouring down in heavy sheets. Gin stuck his head through and offered his hands up to the sky, pleading.

"Are you happy now, universe?!" He cried, his voice quivering mid-way through. Sometime in his desperation Gin began gripping the window frame with enough force to splinter the wood. He released the sill and snatched an envelope from his pocket, glancing down once more in hopes that their contents would change. No such luck. Flinging his body against the desk, the once feared Shiroyasha crumpled into a sorry pile right before the two people he wanted most to protect.

"Gi-Gin-san, what happened?!" Shinpachi inquired anxiously. He had just brought in the mail and now his boss was breaking down. "Is everyone okay? Did someone die?!"

"Worse, Shinpachi-kun. Much, much worse…" The Yorozuya leader's voice was weak and trailing. "I just don't know what to do. We're in so much trouble. I don't know how I can pull through this time."

Kagura cried anxiously, "Let me see the paper, Gin-chan, maybe I can help! I'll beat up whoever this 'Universe' person is that keeps harassing you!"

"NO! You can't! This is big. Bigger than you. Bigger than all of us. We have no choice; we have to lay low for now, got it? We'll be living a simple life, cut back on food costs, only flush once a week, that kind of stuff." Gin was pacing now, walking frantic steps between the two couches. "Yeah, this could work..."

The envelope fell from his pocket onto the floor, displaying the horror for the young Yorozuya members to see.

**MONTHLY BILL:** **6,000,724 Yen **[2]

"NAAAANNNIII?! [3]" This time the desperate cries came from Shinpachi. "Why is this bill so high?! We barely scrape by with 6000 Yen! Wha - How?! This must be some kind of mistake, no one could spend that much money if they tri-" Shinpachi's face immediately blanched as his eyes made their way down the page.

**TRANSACTION HISTORY:**

**.**

**.**

**.**

**Friday, XX/XX:**

-9 Strawberry parfaits

-42 Lottery tickets

-500 Pachinko balls

-26 Bottles of Dom Perignon

-Nurse-themed Massage Service

-1 Pair of boy's size XS underwear

-Hot, Hot, Hot Hentai Nights! Service

-Doki Doki Domination Night Service

-Oedo Emergency Center

**.**

**.**

**.**

Both Shinpachi and Kagura tightened their lips and turned wordlessly back to their "esteemed" leader, only to find him struggling to put on his boots in a mad dash to leave.

"N-n-n-no, you see," Gintoki began, quivering in fear, "I c-can explain…" But Shinpachi and Kagura spared him no chance as they advanced, wide-toothed grins and straining eyes plastered on their faces. From that point on until the wee hours of morning, the only sounds that could be heard from the Yorozuya household were the crashing of furniture and the hellacious screams of a worthless man.

* * *

**Notes:**

_[1] Yep, check out the Kagura's wiki page._

_[2] 6,000,724 Y is roughly $50,000 USD and 6,000 Y is roughly $50 USD_

_[3] NAAAANNNIII?! = WHHHHAAATTT?!_

**A/N: This chapter is really short and doesn't advance the plot much at all, but I wanted to put something up to prove I'm still alive. Some of you can probably guess where this story is heading next though... But I might rewrite chapters 1/2 before then. Thanks to everyone who is following this, and a huge thank you to anyone who has reviewed it! Any and all feedback is greatly appreciated, homies :D**


	5. Chapter 5

**[Why Do Friends Always Show Up When You're Busy?!]**

It had been a month since the Yorozuya found themselves in a seemingly bottomless pit of debt. Soon after they received the bill (and promptly broke every bone in Gintoki's body) Kagura, Shinpachi and Gin each began working part-time jobs on top of running the Yorozuya business. It was only after Gin had been fired 3 separate times for sexual harassment, Kagura fired once for eating all the food while waitressing, and Shinpachi refusing to work as a display case for glasses at a department store that word began to spread of the trio's troubling financial situation. Every man, woman and child in Kabukicho knew that the Sakata family was a perennially broke, freeloading bunch, but after seeing each member grow more ragged and gaunt by the day, people began to pity the three odd-jobbers.

Word then spread to Yoshiwara, and the minute Hinowa and Tsukuyo heard of the Yorozuya's troubles, they were quick to find a solution.

"8,000,000 yen?!" Shinpachi cried. "That's enough to pay off Gin-san's stupid debt, and then some!"

"Oi! It's not stupid! You'll learn that as you get older, Patsuan, the little thrills in life become more expensive," Gin retorted, then turned back to Tsukuyo, who sat across from him in his pseudo-office-living-room. "But, I agree. 8,000,000 seems rather generous."

"First of all, this ain't a donation that Hinowa's offerin', it's a job. Secondly, I don't think it's that outrageous once you consider the demands," the courtesan explained. "This is a big fish. We've been tipped off that an ex-Harusame faction is comin' to raid Yoshiwara. We're talkin' Inisui, Dakini…" she paused to glance at the pale skinned girl next to her, "even Yato. All kinds of Amanto. This could mean life and death for dozens of people."

There was a pregnant pause as everyone digested the implications, and after a while Kagura spoke up.

"Wait, I don't understand. I thought Baka-nii-chan oversaw Yoshiwara ever since Housen was defeated… Why would the Harusame come now?"

"They're '_ex-_Harusame,' Kagura-chan. They separated from your brother's authority and are probably gettin' revenge on him by invadin' his territory." The blonde answered between drags of her pipe.

The girl scoffed in response. "What a bunch of idiots. Once Kamui-nii finds out about this, he'll kill 'em all! Well, anyways," she said, gathering herself to retire for the night, "I think we should do it. That's 10 years' worth of sukonbu I could buy from the reward!" She raised her fist valiantly.

"Wait, Kagura-chan, we didn't even hear all the details of the job!" The responsible member of the trio interjected, pushing up his glasses. "Don't just go deciding on your own like that. Tsukuyo, please continue."

"Let's see, we would be hirin' you guys as mercenaries to supplement the Hyakka. Our numbers have kinda' dropped off since Yoshiwara's liberation a few years ago. But remember, we don't even know if this ex-Harusame threat is real, but it comes from one of our more reliable sources.

"Our informant said they'd be comin' sometime within the next couple weeks, but we have no way of knowing when. Unfortunately, this means you guys stickin' around for that whole time. We just need ya to keep your eyes open for anythin' fishy, and if it comes time, help keep our patrons and courtesans safe." She scanned the faces of everyone in the room. "What do ya guys think?"

The Yorozuya members glanced at each other in a moment of silent agreement. Gintoki, now grinning devilishly over the hefty reward money they would be receiving, leaned back with his arms crossed.

"We're in."

* * *

**AN: So... I didn't forget about the story! And even though this chapter is uber short, I have the next couple chapters written up already. I just need to proof those before I get them out. **

**A few things I should mention for these current chapters:  
\- Sougo will be a bit absent, but he will reappear, in true Sougo fashion.  
\- I did/will not include manga spoiler from the past couple arcs, since at the time I began this fic, the chapters weren't even written yet.  
\- I included Tsukuyo's informal accent/way of speaking here. Sorry if that annoys anyone, but it's canon. **


	6. Chapter 6

**[Girls Try To Act Like Women, But Women Try To Act Like Girls!]**

Flicking at the stray hairs hanging in her face, Kagura sat watching over the nighttime kingdom of Yoshiwara from the rooftop of a brothel.

"Gin-chan, I'm booored! Can we go home yet?" she whined, collapsing on the cold stone tiles. "We've been here for 2 weeks and nothing's happened. The food in Yoshiwara sucks and Sadaharu is getting restless from staying in the hotel with us."

Her silver-headed guardian lowered his binoculars, and wiped the trail of blood from under his nose.

"Shut it. When good friends like Hinowa and the Female Terminator need help, the right thing to do is give them your all during their time of need!"

The Yato paused. "…But Gin-chan, all you've been doing these past two weeks is peep on the courtesans while they get ready for work. You're not protecting them, you're just a pervert," she said with casual indifference.

"Oi, I am like Santa! I may resort to spying and surveillance, but my ultimate goal is good. You know, the ends justify the means and all that."

"Please don't drag Santa down to your level," murmured Shinpachi behind him.  
Ignoring his spectacled friend, Gintoki brought the binoculars up to his eyes once more and scanned the open windows of the building across the street.

A naked old man washing his hair - gross.

Old ladies preparing laundry on the balcony - nope.

A fully dressed courtesan delivering trays of sake to the rooms - yawn.

The disappointed samurai sighed and shifted his gaze to a building farther down the street. But while swinging his binoculars to the right he observed something strange along the bustling Yoshiwara road. A group of 5 men walked bunched together, slowly passing the crowded storefronts. He noticed a man walking in the middle, face purposefully shrouded, and four other men stationed at each of his sides. Lowering his binoculars once more, he turned to his companions and notified them of his findings.

"See you guys, all my peeping – I mean diligent investigation has finally paid off!" Gintoki passed the binoculars around for each of his subordinates to witness for themselves.

"Kagura," he mentioned finally. "Since you're complaining about being bored and whatnot, why don't you take Sadaharu for a walk and tail these guys?"

"Are you sure that's a good idea, Gin-san?" The Yorozuya's sole voice of reason rang again. "You want a young woman like Kagura-chan to follow a seedy looking group of guys – in a place like Yoshiwara no less?"

"That's why it _can_ be her, Patsuan. Dress her up as just another young 'courtesan-in-training' walking around, no one will bat an eye. Plus, you and I will back her up from the roof-"

"I'll do it!" The Yato cut in with enthusiasm. "All this sitting and waiting business is making me sleepy. I wanna get in on the action," she pumped her fists in mock battle, "and I get to wear the pretty robes and make up that all the other women get to wear, right?!"

The men around her nodded weakly, reconsidering the effectiveness of this plan, but it was already decided. Well, _Kagura _had decided, and she was nothing if not determined.

* * *

**A/N: I'm b****ack with another super short chapter! Again, I have the next chapter written already, just need to proof it. **


	7. Chapter 7

**[Stranger Danger Should Always Be Taken Seriously!]**

The night was bustling. Kagura's long sleeves billowed in the warm breeze as she walked along the busiest street of Yoshiwara with her precious inugami in tow. Luckily, other pedestrians, enamored by the bright lights and tempting flesh at the storefronts, paid little heed to the red-headed girl and her giant dog. The suspects she followed were somewhere close by, but difficult to locate in the throng of other patrons.

"-agura-chan." A buzz from her hand held radio came in. It was Shinpachi guiding her from his vantage point up above. "Kagura-chan, head straight for the dango shop with the bright green and yellow sign. The men are about to pass by from the opposite direction. Try to get a good look at their faces. Copy?"

"Rouger," she replied, and dipped behind a corner to tie her canine companion's leash to a phone pole.

"Wait here, Sadaharu, I'll be back. Promise!" And with that Kagura rubbed her dog's head affectionately and turned back onto the main road. She posed in attempted nonchalance against the targeted shop's entrance, grabbing a few display sticks of dango and stuffing them in her mouth. The teen soon acknowledged the wrinkly store owner glaring at her from inside.

"Don't worry, granny. I'm just trying to keep you guys safe. Uhh… the justice justifies the mean… or something," Kagura replied with a full mouth. Immediately she spotted the suspected group stepping in unison, all wearing wide-brimmed straw hats. Their faces, she noted, were all partially obscured with either scarves pulled up to their noses, an eyepatch, or what looked like a fake beard.

"_That's not weird at all." _She thought sardonically, and stepped forward to get a better look at their mugs. The herd of men finally paraded by her, but as the last bodyguard to the rear passed by, he glanced to his left and caught her attention. His eyes were a flash of mahogany, deep and dark, unlike the fluorescent light around them. They widened momentarily and the unnamed soldier briefly stepped out of rhythm, but he quickly focused back on his surroundings. And in a second, the men were gone, traveling farther down the road, but Kagura was left standing by the dango shop in a mixture of curiosity, anxiety and fear.

"_Shit. He totally saw me! And his eyes, did he recognize me?!" _After what felt like aeons, the static from her radio jolted her back to reality.

"Kagura! What are you doing?! I thought you were going to tail them. Over!" This time it was Gintoki yelling at her to catch up.

"S-sorry, Gin-chan. I got a little spooked. The dude at the back creeped me out, I think he saw me. Over."

"Nevermind that, he probably thought you were just another working girl. All the faces in this town start to blur together at some point. Did you get a good look them?... Over."

"Kind of," she answered. "I wasn't able to get a look at the guy in the center, but it looks like they all have some kind of disguise on. And they all looked more or less human… except for one. The one leading them kind of looked like a gorilla with an eye patch. Over." There was a stillness from what Kagura assumed was her partners absorbing the new intel from the other side.

"Alright, Kagura. Just keep tailing them, but keep your distance this time. They're heading towards the bathhouse at the end of the street. Copy?"

"Copy."

The still nervous Yato began jogging back to the rendezvous point where she had left Sadaharu. She tossed him a couple dango that she had pocketed on her way out of the shop and reassured him of her prompt return. After steadying her resolve to nail this suspicious group, she picked up where she had left off, trying to find the pack of strange men in a swarm of people.

Kagura soon closed in on them, where they turned in front of the largest bathhouse in Yoshiwara. She crouched behind the large sign of a lingerie shop and watched patiently from the shadows. Studying their movements a second time, she was able to make out something significant about their behavior.

"Oii, oii! Gin-chan, do you roger?"

"It's 'do you read'. Copy." The permed samurai buzzed in from the other side.

"Yeah, Mami taught me to read when I was 5. Why do you ask? Anyways, about these guys, they all look uncomfortable, like a boy about to start at a new high school because his mom changed jobs in order to support them after a messy divorce. A bunch of cherry boys," Kagura prattled. "They don't look like they've been to Yoshiwara before, and they definitely don't look like they're about to start a raid. Over."

She continued to follow them around a bend and onto the newest street lined with massage parlors. Still about twenty yards away from her targets, she noticed how the man in the back stopped and whispered something to the center figure. Suddenly the group changed course and took a hard right down a covered alleyway onto a completely different avenue. The Yato counted to thirty before making her way after them, and the moment she peaked around the corner to the new road she saw the four men continuing to walk along the path.

"_Wait… four?" _She recollected, and silently brought her radio up to her mouth. "_I could've sworn there were five. What happened to the guy in the ba-"_

_**Crack.**_

Kagura's radio set rattled on the ground as a forceful arm grabbed her wrist and another covered her mouth with a steady hand. She let out muffled protests as she was dragged back into the alleyway, out of sight from the Yorozuya's hovering eyes.

* * *

**A/N: Hey all :) I just want to thank you all for the continued support and reviews! (Probably because I'm actually updating this fic semi-regularly.) Unfortunately, because of finals, there will be a short break in the updates as I try not to fail my classes! Woo! See you all soon. :***


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